I didn't know what to expect by inmyroom, literature
Literature
I didn't know what to expect
i remember how the bathroom smelt like rust and how i was too afraid to look when i first saw you. it was like looking into a smile i could not touch. i imagined what you would feel like, a delicate bird, all covered in blood. i imagined what you would sound like, an old alarm clock wailing. ticktock, it goes as my stomach, it grows. i left you there for weeks in the sun to see if you were real, a secret sickness, a secret club. i imagined what you would look like - a ribcage expanding, all eyelashes and toes. i kept you there, inside of me, your small face. i imagined what you would taste like, an ugly hangover and salty crisps when i drink too much of you, you swish and swirl against my insides, pulling and pinching every part of me. i pull down my pants and hold my breath, afraid that you might be there.
Oh how it stings, it stings
this old poetry, these old things
that you mopped up
like blood and suds.
I smile for you, I felt all new and wasn’t sure
what to do. Next, I fastened the seatbelt
and stapled my heart
to the bed.
You lift my sadness off like a hat
and what you’ve taken does not feel
cold or void, I used to sit and struggle
with my heart and lungs
all falling out.
They slid right down
my backside. I grasped
and gasped at the loss.
Now I sit, I do not struggle
as you push
it all back in.
You lift my sadness off,
like an old dress, you remind me
of the other things
I have to wear.
Did you know that, when you stepped
on my chest you would fall right through
all that cling film
holding the stuff
inside.
Now it squirms
and gathers
on pavements below
trying to remember
how this goes.
So love me you love me you love me you love me
and now
who am I?
I'm the one so quick to change
in your eye.
So I'm fat, so I'm awkward, so I'm unsure.
Is that just enough for you
to never talk to me
anymore?
This is the worst day of my life, I thought I died there
in the morning, I don't know who I am,
don't know where I am
but I know this for sure:
this is where
you
will
lay
me.
And I'll never be happy,
and these days make me shiver,
you'll kick it all apart,
this
is
what
I'll
never
be.
I just want to be happy.
I close all the doors
and I rest it all,
on the bathroom floor,
still not sure who,
or what I'm sobbing for.
Is there something else,
that I need.
I just want to be happy.
And this will never be.
It's silent around here and I laugh
at how in control I am. Oh, it's not my turn to
wash the dishes or feed the dog or take the wheelie bin
onto the street.
Ha, you say,
as I get too comfy.
I imagine myself inside oceans of you, inside oceans of blue
and your eyes sting when they meet my clavicles.
Ha, you say
as you turn me upside down and pour yourself
all out.
You leave the small parts of you,
like the bad smells and the sick cells
that keep me here. and I smile,
not knowing that all that while
you've not felt a single thing.
Remember when
I did not text you back. It was like
you were nothing and I just laughed.
I was peering into kaleidoscopes and the colours
were beautiful and I just smiled
thinking
haha fuck you beauty, fuck you soul,
fuck you ever wanting to know me at all.
Remember when I sent you a letter
saying sorry, I was hunting and shot myself
in the foot. Metaphorically. You invited me for a drink
but did not buy me a drink and you laughed
at my gun wound. I laughed at your flip-flops
and you looked at my clavicle like
you wanted to eat it.
I called you a dick and you couldn’t tell
if I was joking or not.
I held a snorkel in my left han
I send you tiny parts of me,
like mini souvenirs
for you to keep.
I retract that smile, I snort in silence
and hope that it’s my turn
to grasp hard on some of you.
Your rib bones, your stomach,
your stupid teeth
are so hard for me to hold.
I send photocopies of me
in hopes that you will see
that every time I hear you choke
in sadness
is a victory for me.
What happens when you stop fighting your heart by inmyroom, literature
Literature
What happens when you stop fighting your heart
You glance at my chest
and my lungs smile,
willing you to collide
your heart into mine.
It's a game, a war, it's a story in French
that we don't understand,
it sounds like earths shaking,
it sounds like bones breaking
so we stay here
and sob here
and you do not hold my hand here.
I'm wondering if
I'm wondering when
I'm wondering if you're mad that
I laughed at your flip flops.
You're so silly and
you smell brand new.
I cross my legs
and turn away so I can't see you peak
under my skin. I can see that you're dying
to sink yourself in -
I drop my cards
all over the floor, I pick them up
and you glance at my chest.
I surrender
an
I didn't know what to expect by inmyroom, literature
Literature
I didn't know what to expect
i remember how the bathroom smelt like rust and how i was too afraid to look when i first saw you. it was like looking into a smile i could not touch. i imagined what you would feel like, a delicate bird, all covered in blood. i imagined what you would sound like, an old alarm clock wailing. ticktock, it goes as my stomach, it grows. i left you there for weeks in the sun to see if you were real, a secret sickness, a secret club. i imagined what you would look like - a ribcage expanding, all eyelashes and toes. i kept you there, inside of me, your small face. i imagined what you would taste like, an ugly hangover and salty crisps when i drink too much of you, you swish and swirl against my insides, pulling and pinching every part of me. i pull down my pants and hold my breath, afraid that you might be there.
Oh how it stings, it stings
this old poetry, these old things
that you mopped up
like blood and suds.
I smile for you, I felt all new and wasn’t sure
what to do. Next, I fastened the seatbelt
and stapled my heart
to the bed.
You lift my sadness off like a hat
and what you’ve taken does not feel
cold or void, I used to sit and struggle
with my heart and lungs
all falling out.
They slid right down
my backside. I grasped
and gasped at the loss.
Now I sit, I do not struggle
as you push
it all back in.
You lift my sadness off,
like an old dress, you remind me
of the other things
I have to wear.
Did you know that, when you stepped
on my chest you would fall right through
all that cling film
holding the stuff
inside.
Now it squirms
and gathers
on pavements below
trying to remember
how this goes.
So love me you love me you love me you love me
and now
who am I?
I'm the one so quick to change
in your eye.
So I'm fat, so I'm awkward, so I'm unsure.
Is that just enough for you
to never talk to me
anymore?
This is the worst day of my life, I thought I died there
in the morning, I don't know who I am,
don't know where I am
but I know this for sure:
this is where
you
will
lay
me.
And I'll never be happy,
and these days make me shiver,
you'll kick it all apart,
this
is
what
I'll
never
be.
I just want to be happy.
I close all the doors
and I rest it all,
on the bathroom floor,
still not sure who,
or what I'm sobbing for.
Is there something else,
that I need.
I just want to be happy.
And this will never be.
It's silent around here and I laugh
at how in control I am. Oh, it's not my turn to
wash the dishes or feed the dog or take the wheelie bin
onto the street.
Ha, you say,
as I get too comfy.
I imagine myself inside oceans of you, inside oceans of blue
and your eyes sting when they meet my clavicles.
Ha, you say
as you turn me upside down and pour yourself
all out.
You leave the small parts of you,
like the bad smells and the sick cells
that keep me here. and I smile,
not knowing that all that while
you've not felt a single thing.
Remember when
I did not text you back. It was like
you were nothing and I just laughed.
I was peering into kaleidoscopes and the colours
were beautiful and I just smiled
thinking
haha fuck you beauty, fuck you soul,
fuck you ever wanting to know me at all.
Remember when I sent you a letter
saying sorry, I was hunting and shot myself
in the foot. Metaphorically. You invited me for a drink
but did not buy me a drink and you laughed
at my gun wound. I laughed at your flip-flops
and you looked at my clavicle like
you wanted to eat it.
I called you a dick and you couldn’t tell
if I was joking or not.
I held a snorkel in my left han
I send you tiny parts of me,
like mini souvenirs
for you to keep.
I retract that smile, I snort in silence
and hope that it’s my turn
to grasp hard on some of you.
Your rib bones, your stomach,
your stupid teeth
are so hard for me to hold.
I send photocopies of me
in hopes that you will see
that every time I hear you choke
in sadness
is a victory for me.
What happens when you stop fighting your heart by inmyroom, literature
Literature
What happens when you stop fighting your heart
You glance at my chest
and my lungs smile,
willing you to collide
your heart into mine.
It's a game, a war, it's a story in French
that we don't understand,
it sounds like earths shaking,
it sounds like bones breaking
so we stay here
and sob here
and you do not hold my hand here.
I'm wondering if
I'm wondering when
I'm wondering if you're mad that
I laughed at your flip flops.
You're so silly and
you smell brand new.
I cross my legs
and turn away so I can't see you peak
under my skin. I can see that you're dying
to sink yourself in -
I drop my cards
all over the floor, I pick them up
and you glance at my chest.
I surrender
an
.
I do recall:
curled smoke on pillows never meant to see light,
wishing the window sill were deeper-
so I could sleep against the glass.
a candle brushing cigarettes,
a bowl of money by the lamp
but it's not Spring,
and your arms were never thrilling.
I get along without you very well
black lace to cover modest breasts,
you wear your uniform to town and drink.
I kiss you roughly when you come home with lipstick
between the bullet and the tree house scars
but when rain drips from leaves shaped like coins,
I get along without you very well.
it's what i do. i nurse them new
until something is birthed
more beautiful than you. i fail each time
and grow new things, like livers and feelings
that shake
when you are around.
i dont think you know, but you have to.
i have daydreams of us,
and my heart is full.